The Ex Files...

We all have them, even if we never talk about them. They’re the ones who’ve shaped us, emotionally and sexually, the ones who haunt us occasionally and pepper our thoughts with ‘what if’s. Yes, I’m talking about exes.

There are all sorts of exes, and I’ll cover some of the key ones below, but I’ll bet you a pound to a penny that you have at least one Toxic Ex lurking in your past.

For the sake of ease I’ll be referring to the exes as male, but I’m fairly sure that all the types cross over to the fairer sex. I’m an equal opportunity bloggist, after all.

The Mirage Ex: You know the type I mean. You vaguely remember them, you’re sure you fucked them, but since you broke up they’ve vanished off the face of the planet and they didn’t leave that strong an impression when you were together. It’s almost as if, for a couple of months, you hallucinated that you were in a relationship.

The Friendly Ex: Now this ex actually splits into subdivisions. The basic premise is simple— an Ex to whom you still talk and occasionally see. Maybe you have mutual friends, sometimes you hear what they’re up to and you have no animosity towards him. Perhaps, like Chris Evans and Billie Piper, or Hugh Grant and Elizabeth Hurley, you’ve actually managed to salvage a genuine friendship from the wreckage. Just be careful no-one gets the wrong idea.
The subdivision would be the overly friendly ex: he calls just a little bit too often, makes obscene suggestions when he’s drunk. In fact he’s only just a step away from Obsessive Ex…

The Obsessive Ex: It ended years ago, but for some reason you’re still stuck with him. He calls you up all the time, you have the distinct impression that his occasional, pitiful, Facebook status update is about you and, every so often, he demands yet another autopsy of your long-since-failed relationship. Perhaps he’s merely lovesick, perhaps he thinks you’re an easier prospect than starting from scratch, but every so often he suggests that you give it another try, usually beginning in the bedroom. Either way you’re not going to go there and you often wish he had turned out to be a Mirage Ex.

The Booty Call Ex: This is basically an extrapolation of the friendly ex. You still talk occasionally and see each other for drinks, you’d introduce him to someone as a ‘friend’ rather than an ex, but every so often, when you’re both single and horny, you’ll meet up for a quick fuck to scratch the itch. You have no desire to get back with him, but the fact that he knows what pushes your buttons, added to the excitement of a ‘new’ partner, makes for an excellent booty call. You’ll keep his number, just in case…

The Toxic Ex: As with the Friendly Ex, this splits into two subdivisions- the Vindictive Toxic Ex and the Unknowing Toxic Ex.

The Vindictive Toxic Ex is like a sexually transmitted disease. Unpleasant, contracted after sexual relations, socially embarrassing and a possible threat to your current relationship. He pursues you every time you’re in a new relationship, sends you messages, flirts inappropriately and will not leave you alone. For your own part you know he’s bad for you and you try and avoid him, but it’s difficult in the face of his relentless pursuit. Even worse you have the distinct impression, if not actual proof, that he’s been telling things about you to mutual friends that you would rather they did not know. Who needs an enemy with an ex like this?

The Unknowing Toxic Ex is just as bad for you, emotionally, as the Vindictive sort, but this guy doesn’t even have to try. He’s the ex who you describe as ‘the one who got away’—the boyfriend you still regret losing. The feelings you had for him were deep and real and, no matter what reason ended your relationship, chances are it wasn’t your decision. He knows nothing about you now, you’ve been apart for years, but you’re still following him avidly. You look at his pictures through mutual friends on Facebook, Google his name, send him anonymous e-mails and dating site invitations and all the time know he never thinks of you at all. In fact, you have a sneaking suspicion that you’re rapidly falling into the role of Obsessive Ex.
Even a new love doesn’t quite heal the breach in your heart, because the love you had for your ex burned so brightly. All you can do is keep on keeping on and hope no-one ever finds out how much you still think about him.


I think everyone has a selection of these exes in their past but, as I said before, I’d bet anything that nearly everyone has a Toxic Ex. I know I do and he’s still poisoning me emotionally whenever I think of him. I’ve found my own treatment, however, that’s almost as good as a cure—I’ve written him into a story. Once I had him pinned to the page like a butterfly specimen I found I could shape and mould him into a completely new character. You know how they say familiarity breeds contempt? Well, having spent nearly a year writing him into a story I was more than familiar with him and I’ve had enough. If ever I feel myself softening towards him I just have to re-read the story and it’s like a vaccination—anti-Toxic-Ex!